Friday, September 7, 2012
Opening up myself towards letting go
So tonight was interesting, as I sat down to review my Walk to end Epilepsy site tonight and send out a new email I accidently imported all contacts from gmail so it was sent to over 600 email addresses gmail has stored since I signed up.
On that list was my Uncle Steve, my real father's brother. My father password away 9 years ago this last August and I meet briefly with my uncle to get some belongings of my father. I really never knew Uncle Steve, just that he was there and we had lunch and he did a big part of making the arrangements for my father.
I was young and never thought to ask more questions about my dad since I had briefly spent time with my father for 2 weeks about 4 months prior and he meet his granddaughter for the first time. Kaitlynn was about 3 at the 3 at the time. She was his only grand kid at the time and he was tickled pink by her. I had gone with "Pops" as I called him since we had recently reunited after God knows how many years. So it was like meeting him all over again. I spent 2 weeks with him and going to his home town, him showing me his high school and doing all the things he wanted to do while he was visited since he lived in Texas. One of them being able to see Kaitlynn as much as he could and got this picture of them two.
That August I received the sudden news of his passing and to me it was a shock as to never really dealing with a close family member password away other than my grandfather. So during that time I found out that he passed on from a self inflicted action. My father took his own life. Again, I was in a state of shock, I didn't understand, I didn't want to hear it. I was angry, I was upset that he did that to me, especially after him meeting his granddaughter and him and I becoming close as we stayed in contact after his visit.
For years I never understood why, or felt that it was selfish for him to do so and I carried that with me for years and years till even tonight.
By my email that was sent out, my Uncle Steve reached out to me and he called me since my cell number was in my signature. I got a call this evening from the Kingman, Arizona area and couldn't imagine who it could be until I answered and heard his voice and instantly recognized it. A voice I haven't heard in 9 years. It was my uncle Steve, and I was shocked. His voice sounded just the same and with a friendly 'Hello Jon, It's your Uncle Steve" we launched into an hour or so phone call.
I caught him up with how I am doing and how many kids I have, what I do for work, told him about being diagnosed with Epilepsy last November and than my uncle stopped me and was shocked to hear that, especially for someone my age. You see, my father had a brain tumor when I was young and had surgery and while the doctors said it went well and my uncle flew out and even brought In & Out filling the Hospital floor with the aroma of Double Doubles my father was beyond excited. I was really young at the time and remember knowing a bit about it, but I found out tonight that the tumor had come back and they went in again to remove it, however they removed to much. After that point my father began having seizures due to the error in the surgery. I thought the tumor had caused his seizures for many many years until tonight.
I never knew the extent of his health conditions, and even noticed while he had visited me that the amount of medications he would take morning, noon and at night was so many. I never thought to ask. Well I found out tonight it was due to the complications of his surgery and he had continued to have seizures. Once he was driving over and over pass and crashed. He had a seizure while driving. He had several and he never once mentioned them to me. I had always thought after the tumor was out, he never had them again. I now know that in the last years of his life his was suffering from them and once even broke his back in 2 places due to a severe one.
I know my Epilepsy isn't related and him and I's circumstances are different, but I never realized he suffered that much and he damn well kept it to himself. Through my talk with my uncle I felt almost relieved, some sort of closure to his passing. I know it was self inflicted and he was dealing with much more than seizures at that time in his life as well. But tonight I felt an actually connection 9 years later as to maybe understanding a little bit of his mind set before he passed away. A little of what he had to deal with in life as I am now dealing with it now in mine.
Uncle Steve and I talked about allot of other things and it was too me a great talk. How funny that I am out here in Arizona visiting friends and trying to take some soul searching time to figure out my situations in life and to end up connecting with my uncle. I fell that I can let go and just continue to pray that my father Larry is resting peacefully. That Pops is ok and I am ok now as well. Here's a pic of my brother's and I with my father when I was really little. I am on the far left.
My uncle mentioned he was very proud of me knowing that this past almost year how I have been doing my best to look Epilepsy in the face and not hide behind it. I know that at times I do hide and I know that's caused allot of issues at home with Em and I. I shelter myself to not get hurt or to try to hide from it, the pain, the aches, the uncertainty of asking "Why me God? Why me?". He reassured me to not be embarrassed by having Epilepsy, to continue to stare it down in the face. It certainly has made me look back tonight of emotions I have felt this past year between Epilepsy and other things in life and I can honestly say that I have lost my perspective in many aspects of my life. My priority should be me and damn well take care of myself, because if I can't be right, others around me won't be as well. And this brings me to my thoughts of my sweet Emmy, I can't imagine to any extent of the emotions I alone have caused her during this last year and years prior with allot that I have been through in life.
I have always had the feeling that I was dealt a bad hand with many chances in life, and I always look at the negative so deep down into it, and forget to actually open my eyes to the many more wonderful things that surround me. Her, the kids, life, living, having a job instead of bitching every day about it. It's not always about me, as I hope to heal, I hope that I can be just as there for Emilee as she has done for me. She needs support from me as well, I shouldn't be constantly leaning on her emotionally, that is something I need to work on. I need to be better to myself so I can be better for myself in order to be better for her, my children, my work, my life. My damn life that I have been so damn blind to, it's right there in front of me and I have been hiding away in it like a coward. I felt that I have learned allot tonight and will carry this going forward.
I will end this off with this...I will be ok. I will heal, and I will have faith.