Sunday, September 2, 2012

Another Leave and new meds

So had my doc visit on Friday(insurance issue got resolved the night before) and have decided to switch from depakote to Oxcarbazepine for the next month for my Epilepsy. I will be on both meds will switching over for 30 days. I am also on leave now till the end of September unless these new meds don't work. So it's gonna be interesting to see. How I react to these new meds. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers while I fight through this. Always hold hope!!

This year I have been challenged over and over again, times where I couldn't even get out of bed due to depression over this nasty disorder or being so doped up that I couldn't remember thoughts, moments or even days. 

This has been the biggest challenge of my life and it's affected all areas mostly work and home. Dispite my efforts, Work has been my main challenge as I am the one that works while Em takes care of our children and this last year me. It's felt like I have become another child to her schedule. Because at times I can't do things on my own. Serveral times I have had trouble getting up the stairs due to how dizzy or fatigued my body was. It's worry some when you have a family to take care of, but they end up taking care of you. I have always been independent and have tried not to reliey on others to do my job as a Fiancee, Father of 3 and a careered person. I have always worked, always some how provided and right now I can't even do that efficiently. I feel blocked from it. Almost worthless and I am afraid of letting this disorder consume me more so than I have let it. 

We should be poolside with our dear friends and god kids but because of my status I am home not sure what to do until disability kicks in wondering how I am gonna put food on the table for my family right now.

I am constantly stressed and that makes those around me stressed and it's an uneasy feeling. One that I thought I can control but I can't. 

The doctors had said this wasn't going to be easy trying to find a medication to help with my Epilepsy and now I am on my 3rd one and am hoping this is the last, but I said that about the last one. Part of me feels dead in side, limited to lifes opportunities to be who I am. 

It saddens me to know that i have to be "Babysat" and can't do normal things I have done on my own for  33 years. That I have to relie on others to help me constantly. Hell, I don't even know when I will be cleared to get my drivers license to drive again and when that comes, it will be at least a year or 2 from now. 

I know that I am stronger than this, that I was never taught to be this weak and I only hope that this is the deepest I will be and I will begin to dig myself out and pursue and achieve remarkable things. 

Allot of people have faith in me that I will make it and that I have fought to young and to give it another try. I know I am not alone in this with a lot of friends and family supporting me, however when I close my eyes at night, I just don't know what tomorrow will bring and I can only hope that I wake up stronger with wiser choices and more open doors moving forward.

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